The Things I Learned In 2014

Well, 2014 was a year that happened, huh? I think if I had to distill the entire year down into one word, it would be “woof.” And not just because I went through a phase where I said that in lieu of basically any other response in the English language. There was a lot of bad stuff that happened this year. Plane crashes, planes probably crashing but kind of just disappearing, a bunch of “gamers” (which is a stupid word to begin with) acting like disgusting, sexist assholes under the guise of media ethics, the entire whirlwind of horrors that is ISIS — a lot of bad stuff.

But in the midst of all that, I still managed to prevent my large skeleton frame from collapsing in on itself like a bone black hole. While the merits of such an accomplishment are mostly relative to the size of your own skeleton and your fear of collapsing stars, I think it puts me in the W column of 2014. Kind of.


Regardless, 2014, much like a delectable chocolate truffle, was a mix of deliciousness and stomach aches. So here they are — The Things I Learned In 2014 Or: How I Learned To Keep Worrying And Deal With It Kind Of.

1. Newborns Are Sturdier Than You Think But You Still Shouldn’t Drop Them

My sister had a kid in November. He’s awesome. I love him. I held him. I didn’t drop him! Then he pooped while I was holding him. I think that means he imprinted on me or something. In any case, it’s the first kiddo of the siblings and I’m looking forward to being the cool uncle because I seriously won’t have it any other way.

2. When All Else Fails, Sing The Harmonies

Two of my favorite people on the planet got married in 2014 and although I’d like to say that the highlight of the wedding was them making their beautiful and radiant union official, I can’t. Because hours later, as the music played and a guy who sang during the ceremony belted out some fairly wicked notes, I encroached on that melodic ground and locked in to harmonies so damn heavenly I’m guessing the big man upstairs immediately reserved an extra puffy cloud for me. Sorry, newlyweds.

Not really. I killed it.

3. Time Travel Is Possible But Only Three Or Four Hours Into The Future And Only If You’re Standing In A Kitchen With A Bottle Of Wine

I saw the future a few times this year. Spoiler alert — it involves headaches.

4. The Importance Of Positive Thought

Ugh, I know, I know. It’s cheesy. But man oh man, it’s stupid true. I personally have a tough time staying positive about, well, most things. This can be an issue. I’ve already written a bit about this point, but if you’re in the same gloomy camp that I’m in, you’ll be surprised how much looking on the bright side of things can help. Few things are as bad as you think they are and when cooler heads prevail, a plan of action usually presents itself to make whatever negative thing you’re facing surmountable.

5. The Chair That I’m Sitting In Currently Is Too Short Which Isn’t That Surprising But It’s Bothering Me At The Moment And I Needed To Express My Frustration

An Inconvenient Truth 2: You’re Too Damn Tall Edition

6. The World Is Full Of Really Cool People If You Let Your Guard Down And Chill Out

Another cheesy one! You know that whole thing about “Those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter?” Well, I guess it wasn’t said by that one rhyming doctor. FDR presidential advisor or not, it’s pretty true. Even if it’s very much in the “high school yearbook” realm of quotes.

7. The Following Word Should Be Banned From Appearing On The Internet In Any Capacity 


8. J-Pop Metal Is A Thing And It’s Surprisingly Awesome And I’m Saying That With No Sarcasm

Babymetal played huge metal festivals around the world and tons of hardcore metalheads — way, way, way, way more hardcore than me — got totally into it. It’s catchy, the musicians are actually top notch and it takes itself super seriously in a not-so-serious way (cool description). In one word, it’s fun. And that’s something that most metal isn’t.

9. Please Don’t Do What You’re About To Read

This was more of a case of a fact being solidified into a singularity, but if you come up to me and compare the size of your feet to mine and we are literally anything short of stupidly close friends, family members or know each other in the most Biblical sense possible, I will immediately enjoy you less.

10. There’s No Substitution For Good People In Life

Good people make you feel good because they’re good and that’s good. They help you roll with the punches and punch back when you need to. If you think you’re a lone wolf, you’re not.

Well damn, now I’m feeling all vulnerable. Here’s some metal.

Ah, better.

Goodbye, 2014. Hi, 2015. You’re an odd number which I’m not a huge fan of so I’ll be honest — the odds are already against you in my book. Prove me wrong.


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